Dear Santa (the One for Oldies)

I'm just trying to play it safe by speaking directly to the Santa for old folks. My parents explained the part about how there were lots of Santa's Helpers who looked just like Santa but spoke the languages of kids all over the world. I figure if this was true, I'd best go another step and ask for a Geezer Santa. Might as well go for bust while we're still here.

A real Geezer Santa will understand some of the things on our wish list. Yes, I asked all of you last week to tell me what you want Santa to bring you. I was surprised by some of the answers and delighted by others. You Geezer Tribe folks never disappoint. One of you wants a Japanese style wash and dry toilet. Now that I know they exist... I want one too. Who knew? A bidet with a blow dryer, how clever is that?

Before we leave the toilet subject, let's talk about my #1 wish for Santa. I want taller toilets all over the world. I'd like to have Santa start with Fred Meyer, where toilets are very, very short and old people have a very, very difficult time getting on and off of them. Yes, there is a stall for disabled persons. ONE stall. I would suggest that at any age over 70 or so... and sometimes younger, members of our generation are absolutely in deep trouble when that one tall stall is busy. We had our home toilets at replaced with 17" toilets. It's nice but not enough. We supplemented that height with support bars near enough so you can get off the toilet without calling for help.

Nothing ruins a great night out at a restaurant like floundering around on a 14" toilet and waiting for someone to come in and help you get off the *%#@ thing. The alternatives are limited, trying to elevate yourself with your arms on the stall walls or using the toilet paper holder for leverage are out. Trying to stand up? HO HO HO. Back to wait for help or just hold it until you get home. If Santa has a sense of humor, he'll save us from this hell away from home... otherwise we just stay home with our tall toilets.

Snow. I can't believe how many Geezers asked for snow. Last year you told me you hated it. Maybe you just hate it at any other time but December 25th. Otherwise, you'll complain. I have comments to prove it. But if you want snow, good luck. Turns out that you love snow if you don't have to drive in it. This means Christmas is at your house and your family has to come to you. You rascals, leaving your kids out there in the snow you wished for. What the heck, they're young and they can drive better.

One of you loyal Oregon Duck fans asked for a winning game at the Rose Bowl. Gosh, I hope you get your wish and I wish Santa could get you to the game, too. It might help if you win the Oregon Lottery, which several of you have in mind. I wonder if ticket sales skyrocket this time of year. I'll bet they do because we're buying them. We think we'll get lucky because we're old. Why not? We deserve it.

Some of you just want super powers. This makes the Tribal Scribe giggle. Golly gee... is that all? Have you even thought of the hefty responsibility of this wish? What if Santa drops a bag of super power down your chimney? If this happens please remember me and my smiley face. After that, please bring peace, love and beauty to parts of the world where these things are missing. Thanks in advance you super thing you.

Turns out that some of you want calls from your kids and not the ones that seem forced. You want them to be genuine and heartfelt. I would hope that every call from your kids would be so and am sure Santa feels the same way. For the record, I'd like to remind all of you that the phone works for outgoing calls as well as incoming. Maybe your kids would like to hear from you. Just sayin'.

Some of you want to be warm. Good luck. My feet and/or hands or certain other parts of my anatomy are cold most of the time. I hate it when I have to layer up to be inside my already-warm home. I'll turn in another vote for that with Santa but I think I'm just too old for this wish.

When I was in my early 30s, I sat on Santa's lap and asked for a hysterectomy. Within days I was diagnosed with early cervical cancer and got my wish in time for Christmas. Do I believe in Santa bringing crazy gifts? You betcha! Never stop believing, my friends. Oh, and buy lottery tickets.